we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
