By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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