I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
