ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
