the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
