Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
splinters make it hard to masturbate
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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