You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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