You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
