Pappa wants mamma naked
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
