So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
