i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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