My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
