it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
