Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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