You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
