I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Randomize
