I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
