I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
