I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
