i think i have two assholes
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
