Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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