yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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