I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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