Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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