i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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