So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
