Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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