Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
