last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
