I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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