I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
