that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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