My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
