***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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