we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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