He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
