the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
