Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
