So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
