for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
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