I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Randomize
