Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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