whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
