he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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