Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
