God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
