New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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