I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I can't turn off my feet"
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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