The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
