Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
do nipples grow back?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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