I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
