i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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