i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
