Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
