Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Randomize
