I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I didn't notice because vodka
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
